My Avoid Dance

This section of the site will not please some people, and may in fact garner some controversy, even from those sympathetic to the concept of soulbonding. Here, I would like to discuss some of what I, personally, see as “red flags” or situations/things worth avoiding within the auspices of soulbonding or spiritworker communities.

The majority of this focuses on problems I’ve seen within soulbonding spaces specifically but most also occur in other occult settings in other forms. These aren’t always signs that a situation is no good and very bad, but they always give me pause:

• Claims that the end of the world is suddenly at hand. Things aren’t great worldwide, but… this is a huge red flag, friends. Ditto for claims that your soulbonds’ “canon” (ie, place of origin, world, storyline) is actually happening right now, and that you, of course, are part of it, need to “save the world,” etc. We do need to worry about the future. Things like global warming and the extinction of so many species should worry us, but… the end ain’t nigh. Chill. We have seen multiple examples of groups and individuals who, using the term “soulbond” or not, believed this (or acted as such). It ended poorly for all of them. The world didn’t end, but their worlds usually got pretty shattered. LB Lee documents a particularly egregious instance of it with the Draven’s Truth of the Spoon Cult in her zine on the subject Sometimes this can stem from soulbonders (and soulbonds) who just want to make the world a better place, of course, but it almost always ends badly. If you want things to get better, work for gradual societal change - and recognize that you cannot play out a fictional apocalyptic storyline in real life. The world will simply continue around you.
• Anyone coercing you to model your life or values around a soulbond's "canon" (ie, their origin, life story, etc). Most media from which soulbonders attach tends to have positive messages, and these aren't usually harmful to internalize, even on a deep level. That said, there are exceptions, and some toxic people know how to exploit those. Even when you feel the first flickers of a soulbond with a character, it's advantageous to still think critically about them and their origin. If you've soulbonds from Star Wars, it doesn't mean you need to adopt some kind of pseudo-Jedi mindset or that doing so is a good idea. Set boundaries, both with your soulbonds and with other people. You aren't required to share the same ethical (or other) viewpoints as your soulbonds, and a difference here doesn't make you "bad" at spiritwork or soulbonding. I would say goodbye to anyone - including any soulbond - who expects that.
• Anyone who coerces you into attempting to forge a particular soulbond. Soulbonding, more often than not, happens spontaneously. In my experience, when it does not, a formidable amount of effort and willingness is required. Coercion rarely works out well for anyone. If the “spark” just isn’t there, well - it just isn’t there. You can’t force these things. I’ve experienced this in other occult contexts (ie, situations where the spirit in question wouldn’t normally be called a soulbond). It’s not fun. Ditto anyone who assigns you a fictional identity and expects you to adopt it (a “forced fictionkin” situation). This happened with the Pennsylvania group, often known as the Final Fantasy VII House, mentioned in many places. While some of the later stories about this group (ie, the “Sarah Saga”) were fabrications, the initial narrative seems to have been accurate. Often, people do this with partners (or prospective partners), ie, taking on the identities of a fictional couple and attempting to enact a fictional storyline in real life. I won’t say that I necessarily think those people are or are not “real” soulbonders; if they are, they’ve taken a controlling and malevolent approach to something spontaneous and beautiful.
• Anyone who coerces you into channeling a soulbond at times when you yourself (or the soulbond) would rather not, for whatever reason. If you’ve a soulbond, you’re not obligated to channel them at all and the relationship might just remain internal. Even if it doesn’t, nobody has the right to dictate the specifics of such an intimate connection. You also are not obligated to prove to anyone that you’ve a soulbond by channeling them - your soulbonds are not show ponies. In the broader occult community, many times scryers and channelers find their relationships with spirits abused by demanding magicians - there’s no reason it needs to happen here, too. This is also something that happens to more common occult practitioners like Tarot readers, astrologers, etc, but either way, avoid anyone trying it on you.
• People who seem to constantly use their soulbonds as conversation pieces. I grasp that talking about your soulbonds can be an extremely freeing for all of us. It’s not something that you can’t really mention in most places, and that’s part of why this is one of my sites. Soulbonds themselves may find interaction freeing. It’s one thing if it’s a group chat or something for or about soulbonds, of course. Still, if your only interaction with a friend is just “My soulbond was XYZ, and I ZYXed,” I think you might want to reconsider that person’s role in your life. Your soulbonding situation might need reevaluation too. This was something that got brought up in the older Livejournal communities about soulbonding. It didn’t get the necessary elaboration, though.
• Attempts to “medicalize” spiritwork or use it to explain dangerous medical symptoms (ie, random injuries). If your soulbonds cause serious distress, something else might be going on, and that ought be investigated first. I also, on an adjacent note, remain agnostic on matters of so-called “syscourse” and am not plural or multiple myself. This is something I am still researching. Regardless, seek so-called “mundane” explanations (and solutions) initially. I cannot condone those online who jump to suggest obvious, dangerous symptoms are signs of soulbonding, spirit involvement, possession, or other supernatural phenomena. I do believe spiritual activities can be helpful sometimes in crisis, but that’s hardly the same thing. Also, I tend to write off (entirely) anyone who says that psychiatric conditions aren’t real and are all misplaced mystical experiences. Some sites about soulbonding have pushed this in the past, albeit in an implicit and obviously misguided way.
• Concepts combining spiritwork with the “New Age” movement, which often has a disturbing agenda that isn’t obvious initially. By “New Age” I don’t merely mean new spiritual paths, nor “in the New Age section at Amazon,” but rather something more like this. It all seems harmless, but sometimes it masks a lot of bigotry, colonial appropriation, white supremacy, antisemitism, and pseudohistory. I’d tread with extreme caution. I include concepts like Neville Goddard’s “Law of Assumption;” EIYPO (straight from that group!), etc. in particular. If anything, many “New Age” beliefs don’t work (in my view) with the idea of soulbonds as living spirits because they’re, at base, solipsism. A lot of otherwise-decent occult writers speaking in good faith picked up from these and other ugly sources via osmosis. There’s no such thing as a completely un-problematic author, but try to vet what you’re reading and learn to recognize these kinds of claims when they do seep into (for example) texts on witchcraft, chaos magic, spiritwork etc.
• Those claiming that soulbonders (or alterhumans in general) are subject to immense “societal oppression” because of our interactions with spirits, nonhuman identities, etc. It’s true that alterhumanity is notorious online, sadly. We do get bullied, but I won’t conflate this with instances of massive power and privilege merging to oppress a minority. It’s not good to be bullied - but it’s not the same as, say, institutionalized racism, ableism, or homophobia. Many people like us aren’t normal in other ways, too. I won’t deny that. That can motivate some of the bullying towards us. People spinning tales of oppression, though, are frequently trolls pretending alterhumans (or, as I call them, snerts). Examples include Weary-Trung, Trans-Cats, and others, a surprising number documented here by Gawker Media at face value. Occasionally, their claims are repeated by confused people influenced by them,
• Those claiming (of course) that soulbonding gives them immense, untoward supernatural abilities. This should go without saying, and these sort of statements within any occult context usually raise red flags. In other alterhuman communities, the same is true. I do believe in living spirits. If you’ve had an experience where a spirit (soulbond or otherwise) touched the physical realm, I might be interested in hearing more. I’ve seen some Things, too. I wouldn’t still be involved with the occult if I hadn’t, and I likely wouldn’t see soulbonding as more than just a mental exercise were it not for my occult involvement. This predates my learning the word soulbond but not my first soulbonding experiences. But still, I won’t believe you if you tell me your spirit friend can physically fly you across the country on wings of gold or something. I’m sure you get the idea.

Not everyone is going to agree with me on these matters; that’s okay. I’m not telling you what you can or can’t do, or how you have to interact with people or your soulbonds. This is just advice at best, or heck, take it as my own personal stipulations that I’ve got for myself. Do not treat this as a “DNI” list or anything of the sort.

As long as you’re an adult, you’re free to interact with me on this site, but keep the above perspective in mind. It will influence how I interact with people, but I’m 100% open to discussion In fact, if you’d like to comment on or ask about this - even if you respectfully disagree - you’re welcome to contact me, of course. These kinds of things almost always benefit from discussion, I guess.

Note that I’m purposefully making little mention of terminology or definitions, beyond comments about medicalization. Most people using words or definitions that I personally either don’t like or think aren’t applicable are doing so in completely good faith, and I’m not the “word police” anyways. I’ve said my thoughts on words and how we use them. I also wrote up a small glossary from my own perspective.

On many of these things, my views on this have changed a lot over the years, and I can’t claim I’ve got it all figured out, anyways. The above just lists some things that generally, seem like red flags to me.